I Feel Special

This was a fine marketing ploy, but for one small problem.

The other day I got this mailer full of "personalized" coupons from a national grocery chain:


























It made me feel quite special...after all, I was one of their "best customers." With two teenage boys to feed, I could certainly BELIEVE that! And it's always nice to be appreciated, even if it is just for "how much you shop at our stores."
They went on to tell me that I was so special that I was one of a "select few" who were even getting these mailings...and it did, indeed, have quite a few coupons inside. The coupons were mostly for stuff I would actually buy (okay, for stuff I HAVE actually bought, because I have one of their little "saver" cards that tracks what you buy...I call them Big Brother Discount cards...but I use 'em anyway).
So, what's the problem? After all, I'm special, I'm appreciated, and I've got quite a few nice coupons to show for it...

The problem is that the very same day, I got an IDENTICAL mailing addressed to the person who lived in the house before me...turns out he, too, is special and appreciated, and he too, is one of their "very best customers." Unfortunately, he is also dead...and has been for at least 3 years. So, if he is really one of their "best customers," they either have some really lousy customers, or we have one very hungry ghost on our hands.

I gotta tell you, my self-esteem plummeted knowing that my value as a customer was on equal footing with a guy who's been dead for three years! To make myself feel slightly better...I used HIS coupons as well as mine...

Never Mind, I Won't Be Hungry

Not an email this time; not even work-related. I overheard someone make this statement at church one day. She was talking about a lady who had recently passed away. This woman had, for many years, been the coordinator of our Food Ministry, which provides meals for the families of those whose loved ones pass away. In trying to describe the program, though, this particular person said, "The Food Ministry--you know, when someone dies in our church, we take food to them."

I LOVE my church...but I'm guessing my pastor would just as soon I didn't actually DIE there...it COULD happen, of course; I could just drop dead of a heart attack right there in the pew just as the pastor says, "Let me just make one more point."
BUT--IF by some chance I DO die at my church, do me a favor...don't bring me any food.

We All Have Our Miss Teen South Carolina moments

Today I'm turning the tables a bit, because this email is about one of OUR less stellar moments.

I'm sure pretty much everyone has heard the soundbite of Miss Teen South Carolina rambling about only-she-knows-what when asked why so many Americans can't find the U.S. on a map.
Well, today's stupid moment reminds me of that incident, partly because of the stupid responses and partly because the people involved also apparently couldn't even figure out the fairly simple maps for the company they WORK for...

This is from a pretty well-written, and, unfortunately, accurate, email describing a comedy of errors the writer and his fellow travelers encountered trying to use one of our services recently.
As visitors, they were trying to get around using the free trolley system. Unfortunately, they were given misleading or just plain inaccurate information by several different people downtown; finally, in frustration, they called our help number. He explains THAT experience in the email:

Your "information" people knew less about the system than we did. All I was asking basically was, will the trolley stop at the stop we were at or where should we go and how do we get the trolley to stop? All I got was "I DON`T KNOW". We tried several times and got the same "I DON`T KNOW" from everybody. One "information" lady thought I said "terrorist" instead of "tourist" when I was talking to her and she got all upset. After I calmed her down she gave me the now familiar, "I DON`T KNOW", to my questions. One "information" person suggested we "watch where the trolleys go and when they stop chase them down".

Well. First...we do NOT train our staff to tell people they Don't Know how our system works--that is really unacceptable. But unfortunately, it was apparently the BEST part of this exchange. Another person doesn't hear him correctly and thinks he is a terrorist. Because, after all, terrorists call here all the time asking how they and their little bomb can get on the trolley to go bomb the convention center. And they always identify themselves as terrorists, of course! Good grief.

But of course, it gets even better. That last line just amazes me...Watch for a trolley and then chase it down when it stops?!?!? I mean, really...it must have been the medication...
I'd think he had made that up, except for one little problem. We tape our calls, and we went back and listened, and sure enough that's exactly what she said...wait for one to stop and then Chase it down! To her "credit" she at least didn't KNOW he had his 85-year old mother with him...
And, the tape is even funnier (in a sad, pitiful way) because he sarcastically "thanks" her for her "help" and she responds with a cheerful "You're Welcome!"

I would like the world to know that not EVERY day is like this for our information staff; sometimes they DO actually provide Help.

When It's All Said & Done, There's Still More...

This one's short and sweet...or short and stupid, maybe. This was one of those "chain" emails you get, the ones that give you some inspirational, political, or emotion-wrenching sort of story and then tell you to send it to everyone you know, and a few people you don't, or else...

I no longer remember what the email was actually about, because I only saved this one line....

"What more could be said? A lot, but this says it all."

They must be right, because it leaves me speechless...

Give me the Right-of-way, right away

This was actually a perfectly reasonable email, with what appears to be a valid complaint--it was just a momentary lapse that made it kinda humorous.

She writes:
Last evening at about dusk, friends and I were waiting to cross the Street at the ____ Avenue intersection. As soon as the light turned red, the walk light turned white and we began to cross . Evidently the bus driver turning north thought he had the right away because he began turning and put his hand up telling us to stop and let him through.

When I read this the second time, I had to wonder if it WAS a mistake....for one thing, she later uses the word correctly, "right-of-way." But also because it sounds like he did in fact think he had the "right away"---"hey, get out of the road, I need to turn, right away!!"
So perhaps this was an intentional mistake--either way, it added a little humor to my day.

How NOT to Win Friends and Influence People

Here is a person who evidently has never heard the adage that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. What on earth made them think that this sort of email was going to inspire anyone to do anything, other than make fun of their email, I don't know!

Hello,
Your website does not look very official. Could you please spend some time on it and make it look like it is not from the 1990's. It seems to reflect that the bus system also has not be change or revised since the 90's. It would not take much effort. Go hire some high school student to make the change for you. You won't be spending more than $200, so there is no complaint about it not being the budget.

Wow, there are SO many possible responses to this, and almost none that could actually be sent!
Never mind that they never even mention what website (we maintain two)...for all I know, they WERE looking at something from the 1990s (no apostrophe!).
Just a few of the possible replies:

Reply 1
Your email doesn't look that official either. It seems to reflect that you have not learned a thing since the 90s, maybe even earlier. Please spend some time with an English grammar book.

Reply 2
Duly noted.
(that's it, nothing else--give them no satisfaction whatsoever)

Reply 3
Our website is NOT official; it was put together by a band of gypsies who were traveling through town and enjoyed their public transit experience so much they decided to create a website; but of course, they left no forwarding address so we haven't been able to change the content in years.

Reply 4
Thank you so much for your suggestions regarding how to improve our website...oh, wait, that's right, you didn't GIVE any suggestions, just criticism.
Never mind.

"Flinging" About

I won't often do more than one post a day, but this one is short and was just sitting on my desk.

Original email in purple, my comments in blue:
"We are fling in... to the downtown airport--is there a shuttle nearby from that airport? If so, isn't it close by?"

Some emails you really just can't respond to at all, except to say, "ummm...WHAT?!?"
First of all, don't fling yourself into airports, I'm pretty sure it's against regulations.
I don't really know if there are shuttles close by the airport, but I DO feel certain that if there are, they are in fact, close by.